July 21, 2008 - Mountain View, CA 3:30pm

I have hesitated to write since my return to the States, mostly because I have no idea what to say. The adjustment to life back in the U.S. has been extremely difficult for me. I know that, unless I share my experiences with people here, my trip would have been for nothing. But I don't even know where to start. Especially hard for me to address are the well-meaning conversational starters of "so, tell me about your trip". I know that those who ask are sincere in wanting to know about it, but I don't think they have any idea of what they would get if I started really talking. And there is no way to give a 2-minute overview while passing someone in the hallway. I feel like you either need to know the whole story or none of it. I mean, if I'm still putting it all together, how can anyone else possibly understand how complex and deep the human trafficking situation is in Cambodia. But, I'm determined to share it. I have to share it. People need to know.

So, until I find my words, bear with me. I will talk to you.

It's hard to be here, which is ironic because the whole time I was in Cambodia I was thinking how how hard it was to be there. It's hard to look around and see so much wealth and gluttony and materialism. I'm not pointing fingers here; I think the same thing when looking at my own life. It's hard to tolerate the petty concerns and dramas we create for ourselves out of boredom. It's hard to have nobody to talk to here who knows what I'm thinking. I have incredible people in my life - people who deeply care about humanity and justice - but they simply weren't there with me. And regardless of how much they may want to understand, they just can't. So I feel lonely here in this country of excess. With our wide open roads that we consider to be full of traffic. And our exasperation at having to wait in line for groceries. And my cat that has to lose 5 pounds because he has too much to eat.

I feel so far away from reality. How can I go about my normal higher-education life here knowing what struggling is really like? I feel an impatience to do something. I'm going crazy thinking that it will be 4 more years until I can actually get to work. I have faith that getting my PhD will help me do more than I can without it, but in the meantime all I can think about is all those people who are suffering today. And I'm stuck here studying for exams and trying to pretend like I feel like I belong.